Can we have an honest conversation about my desires?! I want to be a stay at home wife/mother. I don't want to stay at home forever, just for the next few years while Adam and I are family planning and I can help bring up/rear my children rather than another adult do so. I completely understand that financially it is impossible for many women, including myself, to stay at home, but if I could I would do it in an instant. I now know why some women LOVE it and why they choose to lead that kind of lifestyle (granted that they and their husbands are in agreement first). But in the meantime, I don't get the luxury of staying at home. I do indeed have to return to work and let me just say that it sucks!
And in the next breath let me also say, "I love my job!" I really do! I enjoy the fact that no two days are a like, that I never have a typical 9-5 day where I'm stuck behind a computer screen, and that I have weekends, summers, and holidays off. I am enthralled and engulfed with the belief that I can be a positive light to teenagers and that I can make a difference in their lives; but I am so afraid that going back to work will mean that I'm going to miss out on so much that my little boy is doing. I don't want others to witness all of Caleb's momentous and joyous accomplishments just because I have to work. It is ripping my heart in half realizing that tomorrow I'll have to kiss my son and walk out the door. I know God has a season and a plan for everything, my heart and mind just can't seem to grasp the concept that during this season I'm not meant to be a stay at home wife/mother.
Let me be honest, I'm as nervous as a first year teacher wondering how my kids at school are going to be. I'm also skeptical whether I'll be able to make through the day without crying puddles and I'm less than thrilled that I'll now have to pump rather than be at Caleb's disposal whenever he needs to eat. The only thing that will get me through this is 1) my encouraging husband, 2) my faithful and willing-to-babysit-for-free family, and 3) that there's only seven weeks left until summer vacation! I know I can survive seven weeks, but I wish I didn't have to endure this at all. I know this time is precious and it's a gift, I hope I can continue to see it that way come tomorrow. Until then, please say a prayer for me and my family!
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