Back to the 'Ol Grindstone

Can we have an honest conversation about my desires?! I want to be a stay at home wife/mother. I don't want to stay at home forever, just for the next few years while Adam and I are family planning and I can help bring up/rear my children rather than another adult do so. I completely understand that financially it is impossible for many women, including myself, to stay at home, but if I could I would do it in an instant. I now know why some women LOVE it and why they choose to lead that kind of lifestyle (granted that they and their husbands are in agreement first). But in the meantime, I don't get the luxury of staying at home. I do indeed have to return to work and let me just say that it sucks! 

And in the next breath let me also say, "I love my job!" I really do! I enjoy the fact that no two days are a like, that I never have a typical 9-5 day where I'm stuck behind a computer screen, and that I have weekends, summers, and holidays off. I am enthralled and engulfed with the belief that I can be a positive light to teenagers and that I can make a difference in their lives; but I am so afraid that going back to work will mean that I'm going to miss out on so much that my little boy is doing. I don't want others to witness all of Caleb's momentous and joyous accomplishments just because I have to work. It is ripping my heart in half realizing that tomorrow I'll have to kiss my son and walk out the door. I know God has a season and a plan for everything, my heart and mind just can't seem to grasp the concept that during this season I'm not meant to be a stay at home wife/mother.

Let me be honest, I'm as nervous as a first year teacher wondering how my kids at school are going to be. I'm also skeptical whether I'll be able to make through the day without crying puddles and I'm less than thrilled that I'll now have to pump rather than be at Caleb's disposal whenever he needs to eat.  The only thing that will get me through this is 1) my encouraging husband, 2) my faithful and willing-to-babysit-for-free family, and 3) that there's only seven weeks left until summer vacation! I know I can survive seven weeks, but I wish I didn't have to endure this at all. I know this time is precious and it's a gift, I hope I can continue to see it that way come tomorrow. Until then, please say a prayer for me and my family!

Breastfeeding & Perseverance

You might be asking yourself, why the heck is she talking about this? I'm talking about breastfeeding because God has been faithful and good to us. If you didn't get the chance to read Caleb's birth story or the post about Brenner Children's Hospital then you can do that here and here. But if you don't feel like reading all that, let me just say that my son was taken via helicopter to the NICU at another hospital due to complications he experienced during birth. Because of that I was not given the chance to nurse him until two days after his birth. This made for a difficult experience.

Let me back up a little. Caleb was introduced to a bottle and to formula in the NICU because he needed food and at the time I wasn't physically able to be there with him. I am not upset that he was given formula, in fact, I'm very grateful that the nurses at BCH were able to feed his grumbling tummy. It was the worst feeling in the world when he was at Morehead with me and I watched his little mouth move and hear him cry because he was hungry and I wasn't allowed to nurse him. So, for those women in situations like mine, I'm glad formula is available to still provide the nutrients a baby needs. However, I was undeterred in my pursuit of being able to breastfeed my child. It's an experience I wanted to have, and it made me feel like it would help us to bond.

Courtesyof http://www.aabreastfeeding.com

So at BCH, the nurses created some privacy in the pod our son was in by setting up a curtain get-up around us and we used the Brest Friend pillow (see image to right) for support to hold him. Obviously I knew that my boob was to go in his mouth, but what I struggled with was getting him to latch. Latching, is when the baby "grasps" and actually gets a hold of the nipple, well enough to actually suck and get milk out of the breast. Because of nipple confusion he cried and cried and cried. He would not grasp my nipple the same as he did the nipple on the bottles the nurses gave him. I was offered a nipple shield (see image below) which helped, but without that, he would not latch. And even after we got home and continued to use the nipple shield, it would get wet from his saliva and the milk then it would come off. I started using a pump so that he would continue to get breast milk and it was neat being able to have other people feed him, but I still wanted that experience of nursing my son.

Medela Nipple Shield

Medela Soft Shells

With the encouragement of my husband and I mother I tried to nurse Caleb again. However, it was heartbreaking hearing my son cry out of his frustration and watch him struggle to latch. I too began to cry and felt frustrated and defeated. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. After talking with some friends who were determined to help me, I contacted a midwife in Roanoke. That was the best decision ever! She basically explained that my son had a posterior tongue tie (also confirmed by his pediatrician) and that it was causing his tongue not to reach out as far which made it difficult for him to latch. The second strike against was that she also explained that I had flat nipples. Whoa, say what?!?! I had no idea!!! She encouraged that I use soft shells (see image above right) to help ease the pain of the nipples toughening up and to help with my nipple issue. During our visit with her, she showed me a few techniques that could help Caleb to latch and some things we could do to help with his tongue tie. With her advice and tips, Caleb was finally able to latch, and he has been doing so ever since February 6th! Caleb now loves the booby and he doesn't struggle at all to latch anymore! It was a tough six weeks, and goodness knows I felt chained to that pump, but God through his love and kindness granted me a desire that I longed for and I owe him all the glory! Breastfeeding is as amazing as I thought it would be and I love knowing I can provide for my son, all on my own. I was able to persevere and I encourage other women out there to not give up! I felt embarrassed and allowed my pride to prevent me from seeking help, but learn from me and don't let that be you!

Brenner Children's Hospital

At Morehead, under the oxygen hood.

Immediately after Caleb was born, okay not immediately, but 18 hours after Caleb was born, he was transferred via helicopter to from Morehead Memorial Hospital in Eden, NC to Wake Forest University Baptist Hospital, and the building/wing he was specifically taken to was Brenner Children's Hospital.

Dr. Salvador (the pediatrician on call that observed Caleb throughout the day of the 27th at Morehead) was afraid Caleb was having neonatal seizures, apnea, and respiratory distress; and since Morehead wasn't equipped to handle such a situation, Caleb, according to her medical expertise, needed to be transferred. Adam and I had no idea that we should have possibly chosen a hospital that would be equipped in such a manner. We were at a loss for words. As soon as she left the room we balled our eyes out. No parent wants to hear that their child's condition/situation had worsened. When we somewhat pulled ourselves together we called our parents and siblings and urged them to come to the hospital quickly since we weren't sure when the ambulance was to arrive.

Here are the EMT nurses getting Caleb situated

Hours later, Caleb was picked up via helicopter instead. It was horrible sitting there watching the EMT nurses get everything situated to have him in the helicopter. And what was worse was the fact that neither Adam or myself (I wasn't discharged until two days later) were allowed to ride with him. Talk about your stomach dropping. It was such a disappoint that one of us couldn't be there with him. Since we knew that might be the case, Adam and I decided earlier in the day that since I wasn't able to go that he and his family would make the drive to be with Caleb. He was picked up around 7:30pm and made it to Brenner Children's Hospital in no time, whereas it took Adam and his family an hour to get there.

Caleb's humble abode at BCH.

Once they arrived, Caleb was taken immediately into the NICU. The picture to the right was his home for the next four days. The nurses were so sweet to personalize each baby's area; it proved how much they really do care about each individual patient!

Before Caleb even reached what would be his humble abode,  his heart rate and oxygen levels stabilized during mid-flight. Praise God! So when he did get to BCH and to "Pod D" the nurses began an IV on him, gave him a pacifier (which he absolutely adored, especially since Morehead didn't allow me to breastfeed him and all he had to "eat" was what they gave him through his IV), and wrapped all nice and cozy like a little burrito. When Adam and his family arrived they ushered Adam in to see him and that's when we found out about RMHC which you can read about here, but since they got their so late he and my mother-in-law stayed overnight in a parent's room while my father-in-law and brother-in-law stayed at Adam's aunt's house in Greensboro.

Adam "Daddy" holding Caleb for the first time.

The next day, Adam was able to hold and feed Caleb. This was the picture (featured to the left) that was sent to me while I was still at Morehead Memorial. It was so surreal and disheartening to be reminded that I was miles away while my husband was holding our son. Please don't misunderstand, I am not jealous/envious that my husband held our son first, but it hurt that I wasn't there experiencing that moment with him. Adam was anxious and excited about holding Caleb, and the nurses made sure that he felt at ease while doing so. In his own words, "They were reassuring and helpful." They explained everything to him and kept him in the loop. 

Marie "Mama" holding Caleb for the first time

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I finally arrived at BCH on December 29th, just two days after he was born and almost two days after he had been transferred. I felt like a little kid at Christmas. My best friend Hazel drove me to the hospital and when she dropped me off at the front, my husband was there anxiously waiting for me with a wheelchair (I still couldn't quite get around yet on my own). Once I was situated, he wheeled me around and got us to the sixth floor. I'll never forget how he beamed with pride at the nurses and staff while telling them that I was his wife and I was finally here! He rolled me through after washing my hands and I got to see my sweet boy after what felt like an eternity. Here's the picture of me holding him for the first time. How incredible and joyous it was being able to hold my son, it was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced! God was so good to not keep me from holding him any longer, because goodness knows my heart couldn't have taken it!

Our little baby burrito :-)

Though I was only there for two days, the nursing staff at BCH was phenomenal! They treated us with compassion, worked together as a team, promoted and encouraged parents to be part of taking care of the baby process. For example: I wasn't given the chance to breastfeed Caleb at Morehead and the nurses at BCH had this curtain-on-wheels get-up that basically sectioned off our area so that we were given privacy and I could try to feed him! They offered me tips and did their best to help him latch and when he struggled they found a nipple shield which helped him do so. It was the best feeling in the world when he finally latched, but that's a story for another post. I was just in awe (and still am) at the generosity of the nursing staff at BCH---they treated me and my family the way we expected and wanted to be treated, like we mattered, and we did! Their benevolence extended into every area of service, and we could not be more grateful! The doctors/fellows were great to include us in their rounds as well. We were able to talk with them directly, hear their thoughts, and ask any questions we had. Though we did not spend as much time with them as we did the nurses, they never rushed us as if they could only allot a specific amount of time to us and that was extremely important to me.

Finally on our way home!
Thanks BCH for the great care!

God blessed our experience at BCH so much. Not only were the nurses friendly and extended themselves to make us comfortable, but they also kept us informed as to every little detail about what they were doing, how they were going to do it, at the time they were going to perform it, etc. What Morehead lacked in communication, BCH certainly made up for! For anyone who finds themselves in a situation like we did, it is our hope and prayer that they too  will not have to worry about whom is with their child, but instead can focus on the progress of their child. Looking back, Adam and I both said that though we wish we could have changed our circumstances as to why we were there, it was nice to have some guidance and aide in learning how to truly take care of a newborn before we actually got home. It certainly made us feel more comfortable and ready when we did.

Day 10 of Prayer: Run the Race

Acts 20:24²⁴ However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me —the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.

Father,
Help me to  train as if I were an athlete. Training for physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wholeness as I run the race to serve You. May those who standby encourage me and not hinder my progress. May this race be proof that it's always worth running. Give me the endurance to handle the rough times, especially now that Adam and I will be my parents. Help us to make the best choices that will honor You. May we remain hydrated by taking in Your word and sharing who You are with others. For in the end, the prize is worth the race.
Amen.

**Next day here**

My 100th Post!!!

Wow, never thought I'd actually get to post #100! I'm gonna use this opportunity to do what my prayer for the day is: to encourage with my words rather than tear down. In spite of the controversy about same-sex marriage, I am glad to see a company that holds fast to Biblical standards and has the right, thank goodness, under the first amendment to support those standards. Chick-fil-a, continue to stand strong and remember serving God and upholding his Word is more important than the ways of this world. Remember:

1 John 2:15
¹⁵ Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father^[a] is not in them. 

and 

James 1: 2-4
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

May 27-May 31

This week was very quiet with Kelly gone. She left with a group of other staff/faculty members for JAM -- a Jenzebar conference. Thankfully the week turned out great! I was able to start workstudy in the Registrar's Office. What a treat it is to work up there with those ladies! I loved it! They are so friendly and upbeat--it was so nice to work with them all week! If I didn't have that job I have no idea what I would've done! Luckily, in the evenings Sharde and I were able to spend some time together! On Tuesday she and I watched, well began "The Little Mermaid" which we failed to finish because we were so busy talking--we literally talked over three hours and did not stop until after midnight! It was so great though, we were able to talk about life, what we felt, what our futures may hold, traveling, and other girl stuff. Wednesday I was able to catch up with my favorite Clarke family, whom I had not seen in over a week for they too were in Richmond, but they were visiting the Brackett family! On Wednesday & Thursday Sharde and I started going back to the gym. I'll admit it was a challenge at first, but it felt so good to not worry about time and just have a good workout. Unfortunately, the reason why the workout was more intense was becuase I discovered via my father (Mike) that I did not pass my worrisome Praxis II History test. I made a score of 152 and the state of Virginia requries a passing score of 161. Nine points can defeated me and my good day pretty quick. I was so mad and frustrated, but more importantly I didn't understand. I had studied as much as I could, and prayed before, during, and after the test. I know that God doesn't always give us what we want, but this time it would've been nice. That text costs $140 to take, so that was ultimately money down the drain. I hate that so much, but I know that I'll just have to try harder and trust harder next time. Angela called me on Friday and said, "Girl you've passed all the other tests, so God had to make you struggle and trust Him somewhere." Well if that's the case I surely hope that I pass this next time!

My week finally ended with a small trip back home. I went home on Friday because my mom was supposed to fly out to California, but her trip got cancelled, which ended up being a blessing because I got to spend more time with her and my father, too. It was weird coming home though because the house is a wreck from where my parents are tyring to fix things up so they can eventually sell the house and move closer to Roanoke. Our dog, Simon, was just as happy to see me as I was to see him, as was our cat Chanel who pranced around like a miss-priss all night/day. Sadly though, our oldest cat Sophie, whom I love, but still not too fond of was very different. She seemed to cling around the house more and layed around more so than ran or hunted. But I guess when you get older that's what you do. Just relax. Also I went home for one of my best friend Jessica's bridal shower (I'm actually in her wedding in less than 3 weeks)! The wedding shower was decorated with green and pink all over the place and with tons of gifts that her and Philip will need in their new house! Oh how wonderful God is to my friends. I am so thankful that they have been blessed and I am praying that they have a long and happy marriage which they each deserve!

Sadly I had to leave the shower a little early as I had already committed to spend some quality time with Amy Abs (who is about to leave for China on a month's mission trip), Miranda, and Amy's cousin Jamee (who was in from Florida)! We got all dolled up and went out to Macado's for a late dinner, then headed to Walmart to shop and get ice-cream which is ironic because we ended up not getting any ice-cream, and finally we spent the night at Miranda's and watched "The Wedding Planner" one of my all time favorites, then drifted off to sleep until the wet lick of a dog's tongue kissed my cheek the next morning! Church was amazing! Pastor Scott preached on "Giving" and it was wonderful! I am so blessed to go to a church that I love where I feel free to worship and be with believers that encourage and uplift me, but are also real and genuine and have gone through the same sort of struggles I have. Sunday ended up being lazy and good to get some Art homework done. All in all this was a wonderful weekend and I look forward to this upcoming week!