Back to the 'Ol Grindstone

Can we have an honest conversation about my desires?! I want to be a stay at home wife/mother. I don't want to stay at home forever, just for the next few years while Adam and I are family planning and I can help bring up/rear my children rather than another adult do so. I completely understand that financially it is impossible for many women, including myself, to stay at home, but if I could I would do it in an instant. I now know why some women LOVE it and why they choose to lead that kind of lifestyle (granted that they and their husbands are in agreement first). But in the meantime, I don't get the luxury of staying at home. I do indeed have to return to work and let me just say that it sucks! 

And in the next breath let me also say, "I love my job!" I really do! I enjoy the fact that no two days are a like, that I never have a typical 9-5 day where I'm stuck behind a computer screen, and that I have weekends, summers, and holidays off. I am enthralled and engulfed with the belief that I can be a positive light to teenagers and that I can make a difference in their lives; but I am so afraid that going back to work will mean that I'm going to miss out on so much that my little boy is doing. I don't want others to witness all of Caleb's momentous and joyous accomplishments just because I have to work. It is ripping my heart in half realizing that tomorrow I'll have to kiss my son and walk out the door. I know God has a season and a plan for everything, my heart and mind just can't seem to grasp the concept that during this season I'm not meant to be a stay at home wife/mother.

Let me be honest, I'm as nervous as a first year teacher wondering how my kids at school are going to be. I'm also skeptical whether I'll be able to make through the day without crying puddles and I'm less than thrilled that I'll now have to pump rather than be at Caleb's disposal whenever he needs to eat.  The only thing that will get me through this is 1) my encouraging husband, 2) my faithful and willing-to-babysit-for-free family, and 3) that there's only seven weeks left until summer vacation! I know I can survive seven weeks, but I wish I didn't have to endure this at all. I know this time is precious and it's a gift, I hope I can continue to see it that way come tomorrow. Until then, please say a prayer for me and my family!

First Day of School

August 13, 2012

Ok so technically the first day of school was last week, but better late than never, right?! Well as you can tell, I was pretty pumped and excited, ready for the first day to begin! However, as the time drew near for the first block bell to ring, I had a student come out in the hallway to tell me that he could not sit in the seat I had assigned him. He went on to explain that he and the boy he was near did not get along. I told the young man to remain in the hallway with me until the bell rang and when we walked in the classroom together he was to get his belongings and move to the opposite side of the classroom. Well, no sooner did we walk in together than the other boy start up with some sleazy comments. I can't quite remember what was said, but I knew I couldn't allow me or this baby to get stressed out. So, I told the young man I previously spoke to go out in the hallway, where we went across the hall to see Office Acord (our SRO) who kindly handled the situation for me. By the end of that first block that boy had been removed and transferred into another class. Needless to say that first five minutes had me somewhat shaken up for the rest of the day. By the time my class arrived, I was exhausted; unfortunately, that class is my World History I course which is full of freshmen--lots of 14 & 15 year olds. And you'd think after lunch they'd be calm, but they are always ready to go, full of energy! I'd like to say this group isn't a handful, but that'd be a lie. So please, say a pray for me! The rest of the week went by pretty fast, but it was also exhausting. Hopefully with procedures and rules in place and with the kids becoming more familiar to me and vice versa, things will start to calm down! Until then, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the rest of my weekend!

Like a Kid @ Christmas

I woke up over an hour ago. Most pregnant women are tucked away in their beds fast asleep, but not me! I'm toooo anxious (though I know that the Bible tells us not to be) because in just a few hours, we find out the sex of our baby! I feel like a kid at Christmas, who's so anxious about what's to come that they take forever to fall asleep and then their body is automatically programmed to wake up early because of the anxiousness. Yep, totally me right now! So while the rest of you are peacefully dreaming, I am up and at 'em getting listening to the birds crow and hope your day is long and fulfilling like I'm looking forward to mine being!!!

Grad School

I am sorry that I seemed to pick up there for a while and have now let you down. I can't believe half of October is already gone! Where is time going? In the time I have not posted, I have been working on the house, school, and my graduate school application. Today, actually just a mere fifteen minutes ago I submitted my application to Virginia Tech's Graduate School! I feel confident and proud of myself. This has been quite the process and I'm glad that this load is now off my shoulders. Please say a prayer if it's God's will that I be accepted. I received a confirmation email (already) that my application has been received and that I should hear something in roughly two weeks. Now starts the waiting and anxiety, but I know everything's in God's hands. In the  meantime I'm off to working on the house. Again, I promise to start posting some before/after pics in the next few days! Have a blessed weekend!

Let's Be Honest

I love my job, but I am very much at the end of my rope. The month of March certainly came in like a lion and I'm pretty sure it ate the lamb. Ever since we returned from Christmas break, my students have been rude, repulsive, obnoxious, and the list goes on and on. I've had no intentions for my blog to be a "venting station" but tonight I cannot help myself. It is emotionally and mentally hard for me to physically get up in the mornings, knowing what awaits me. My principal has been supportive, but the assistant principal (who gets clean up duty on all the behavioral problems) isn't my knight in shining armor. Sure he's a decent guy, but c'mon who's really running the show? A kid literally ran down the next hall when I approached him about skipping his class and when the referral that I submitted came back to me, all that was written in chicken scratch at the bottom was "warning." That's it?! Are you kidding me?! A kid can get irate, disrespect me, take off running down the hall to an area he's not supposed to be, and yet he gets off free? I wish I were making this up. This is only one story of which I have tenfold to share.

Yes I am complaining, but don't pity me, and above all else please do not give me any advice about classroom management. I've seen these kids day in and day out since September and I've tried all tricks of the trade.  What I'm really saying is please pray for my sanity. I feel that during this challenging time I should be more focused on the Lord, and yet I constantly am getting distracted and discouraged. I realize that you do not know the fullness of my story and the situation or school I am part of, but anything that can take your eyes off the prize is not good. Above all else, I am worried that because I have not been diligent unto the Lord, that He won't take me out of my current situation either. Adam and I have been praying for direction for so long and we both feel that He is calling us out of this location, but no doors have been opened. I know better than to worry and if God truly wants me to remain here for His purpose then I will; it's just not what I want right now. So please say a little prayer for me and ask that I can keep my eyes and heart focused on what really matters.